Don't Drink This

Seriously. Don't.

Appletini… Oh, I know what you’re thinking, “What does this person have against an appletini? What did it ever do to deserve this dislike?” Well, let’s start with IT’S NOT A MARTINI!!! If one starts with a regular, unflavored, vodka, that’s the closest it comes to being a martini. That being cleared up, it’s a starter adult young adult beverage. It’s one step up from a juice box in that it has alcohol in it. Unless i’m watching an episode of this show with this guy at a bar, this drink has no place in a glass. Off with you, it’s almost Halloween, you need to get your costume ready. While you’re doing that, enjoy a refreshing Corpse Reviver, the perfect cocktail for this time of year. 

Appletini… Oh, I know what you’re thinking, “What does this person have against an appletini? What did it ever do to deserve this dislike?” Well, let’s start with IT’S NOT A MARTINI!!! If one starts with a regular, unflavored, vodka, that’s the closest it comes to being a martini. That being cleared up, it’s a starter adult young adult beverage. It’s one step up from a juice box in that it has alcohol in it. Unless i’m watching an episode of this show with this guy at a bar, this drink has no place in a glass. Off with you, it’s almost Halloween, you need to get your costume ready. While you’re doing that, enjoy a refreshing Corpse Reviver, the perfect cocktail for this time of year. 

The Dr. Atkins

While searching the interwebs for interesting and disturbing drink trends, I came across this: 

The Doctor Atkins

4 ounces vodka

1 (1/2-inch) cube of Spam

1 uncooked piece of bacon, for garnish 

Red caviar, for garnish

Pour vodka into a martini glass and place the Spam cube in it. Garnish with bacon and caviar.

No carbs here. The delightful snap of Spam helps offset the salty chewiness of the bacon. The 4 ounces of vodka help you forget that you decided to order a meat-based drink.

I’m truly worried for society. 

Yeah, so any packaged sour mix is a mistake. Worse still, ANY bar that uses sour mix from a gun. For that matter, cranberry from a gun is also unacceptable. Ever actually tasted sour or cran from a gun? It tastes like the broken dreams of a Flatsy doll. So here’s the thing: make sour mix, it’s so much better and the amaretto, midori or whisky will thank you.
One part water
One part sugar
One part lemon juice
One part lime juice
2 egg whites for every quart (real eggs, step off the pasteurized product)
Mix the sugar and water in an airtight container until combined (cheat, heat the water, add the sugar and stir)
Add the juices and the egg whites.
Use that in your next sour and be prepared to actually enjoy the drink.

Yeah, so any packaged sour mix is a mistake. Worse still, ANY bar that uses sour mix from a gun. For that matter, cranberry from a gun is also unacceptable. Ever actually tasted sour or cran from a gun? It tastes like the broken dreams of a Flatsy doll. So here’s the thing: make sour mix, it’s so much better and the amaretto, midori or whisky will thank you.

One part water

One part sugar

One part lemon juice

One part lime juice

2 egg whites for every quart (real eggs, step off the pasteurized product)

Mix the sugar and water in an airtight container until combined (cheat, heat the water, add the sugar and stir)

Add the juices and the egg whites.

Use that in your next sour and be prepared to actually enjoy the drink.

This is what it looks like: Pre-packaged shots of inebriating beverages. Shall I state the obvious? They already existed, we call them nips. So this somehow elevates them? Dude, buy a damned flask and civilize your shot of whatever.

No. 63

invisiblestories:

How exhausting, sometimes, to bear not only the weight of what you are, but also the weight of what you ought to be.

Think about this.

(via loveistheburningboy)

Skinny Girl margarita. While I have nothing against the “Real Housewives” franchise and those trying to live a healthier lifestyle generally, this skinny girl crap has to stop. Sure, it’s only 100 calories per 4 oz. serving, but it also uses agave nectar which, in moderation, is fine. In large amounts, agave nectar can negatively impact your liver. Add to that the fact that you’re drinking alcohol, and the scales just might tip back in favor of an actual drink. Not to mention it’s 12.4 percent alcohol, making it almost 25 proof, and you might find yourself finishing off an entire 750 ml all by yourself. 750 ml is about 25 ounces, meaning one bottle contains around 600 calories. Simply, if you want a margarita that has healthier calories, grab a bottle of tequila, fresh limes, lemons and honey as a sweetening agent, shake it all up sans ice in a mixer, then pour into an iced glass. Personally, alcohol isn’t what I consider a “healthy” anything, so I’ll stick with my liquor as distilled and deal with the calories and liver damage. As nature intended.
Drink this, homemade bloody mary, kids. Tomato, lemon juice, worcestershire, Tabasco, pepper, celery salt, celery seed and horseradish. Add all the ingredients to taste. Enjoy with or without alcohol.
I may or may not have a small problem when it comes to bar tools.
Don’t wear this: Angry Birds anything. It’s a game, people. It’s only a game. The fact that these exist profoundly disturbs me and can’t be good for the world. A sign of the Apocalypse? I wouldn’t be surprised.
Midori Sour. The simple fact that Kim Kardashian calls it her drink of choice should be reason enough to walk away from this “cocktail.” I don’t even know of any bar I frequent that has it anymore, as the 80’s are now 30 years in our past. Put that glass down and slowly back away from the drink. Look, over there, at the other end of the bar, a Pisco Sour! Hell yeah!